dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
