Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize