so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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