1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You've changed since you got that strap on
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
