I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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