ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Will exercising make me less horny?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
