everyone is single if you try hard enough
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
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