the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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