sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
