i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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