I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize