Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
