I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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