i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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