My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
