when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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