The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Boobs speak an international language.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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