In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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