I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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