If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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