I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Randomize
