Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
