so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
