please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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