she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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