Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
if i died would you start the facebook group?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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