there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Randomize
