I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
