His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
