I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
