if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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