Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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