Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
He uses pillows to masturbate.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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