I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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