Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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