I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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