Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize