I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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