Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
