my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
