I'm laying in your front yard are you home
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
cat food counts as protein by the way
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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