first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
