The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
