Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
