my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Are my feet made of real feet?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
