Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
