even my farts smell like vagina
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
