Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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