I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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