I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Randomize
