i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
