my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Randomize
