Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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