just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize