the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
