Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
