Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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