He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
